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I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time-everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

...be my little freak.

good lord, i haven't been on here in forever...this will be randomosity at its finest, just to warn you all.

blurb-ettes from my life, as of right now:

never watch the disney channel on mute for 6 hours.
just don't do it.

the thrift store ate my wallet.

i smacked my head on a door and broke my favorite pair of sunglasses. i fail at life.

you know how you meet people whose minds are clearly always in the gutter? well i know someone whose mind is always teetering precariously on the curb. HA.

i have a disgusting blister on my right heel as a result of running 7 miles yesterday.

i hate you and i know that you know why.

quotes from children under the age of 12:
"don't you just want to sit on sunshine?"
"i cry when i'm bored."
"sometimes i get so tired of being a white kid."
"i'm real good at dodgeball, because at home my brother is always throwing junk at me, and i have to run real fast to get out of the way."
"propane? isn't that like beer and stuff?"
"ms. allie, don't be afraid to be a princess."
"crying is messy, you get your shirt all wet."

in the end, i just want someone who will promise me the world without me having to ask him to. is that too much to ask? if it is, i will adjust my expectations.

i almost bought a belgian waffle maker at wal-mart. i'm lame.

i have come to love the smell of sunscreen.
& maps of the world.
& polaroids of the people i will never know.

yesterday i went to the afa to bring dj something. and some random dude walked up to me and told me that i was "too fine to be single." i think he was on crack.

this is randomness, at best.

i couldn't be bothered to put on makeup today. or smile.

i spent two days at my brother's basketball tournament at central...and was literally the only girl in the whole sporting complex, i shit you not. i wish i were kidding. the awkwardness of the situation was pretty intense.

i'm wearing boy boxer shorts right now. don't hate.

so many people that i went to high school with are getting married and having babies. i'm nowhere near to being at that point in my life. should i be worried?

i enjoyed this movie. :)

3641.) I was over you, then you spoke to me again. You ruined my entire weekend with 'hello'... & now I'm caught up in love again.
(via blogsecret. man i know exactly how that feels.)

Jun. 11th, 2009

it doesn't hurt as much anymore. or it does, but it hurts in different ways. for me, at least, it no longer hurts out loud. no one here really knows about you, and in truth, not many pople even know OF you. the ones who do know shy away from the subject like it's a disease that's catching. sometimes i'd give anything to just remember you out loud, to have someone ask what you were like, and to really listen, really WANT to listen. i don't want to be alone with the memories i have, even the good ones.

so yeah, it hurts differently now. it hurts in the middle of the night when i remember the way that things used to be, remember who we were, what you did to me, what i did to you. i still blame myself even though i know it's no use, know it's illogical, know that you were sick and not just wounded. i keep telling myself that it's not my fault, but what if it is?

i spent this past week hurting in silence, telling myself that it had been too long for me to feel this strongly, that i should just let you go and be done with it. i cried every night, i asked for a sign, i asked for anything...asked you to forgive me. i sat in an empty cemetary and said to no one in particular, "I'M LISTENING", but like i was expecting, there was nothing to hear.

and then yesterday i opened the glove box in my car in search of something mundane..stowed away between insurance cards and verizon bills was a thin CD case, a list of songs i'd never heard or heard of. i would almost swear that i'd never seen it before. but there it was, with your thin, crooked handwriting, all in caps, and it read "made by mattie for allie". i don't know when you gave it to me, or why i never listened to it, or why i suddenly found it weeks after your death. but i do know that the universe works in mysterious ways that i will never even begin to understand, and that this was the sign that i had asked for.

call it what you want, and believe what you will-i KNOW it was you. and i know that you love me. and maybe, just maybe, you've forgiven me and are telling me that it's all okay, that your death was not my fault.

thank you.